Many Catholic couples today find themselves pulled between two extremes when it comes to sexual pleasure in marriage. On one side is a kind of subtle hedonism that treats pleasure as an end in itself, as long as the basic moral requirements are met. On the other side is a well-intentioned scrupulosity that treats the very desire for pleasure as suspect or spiritually immature. Both extremes miss something essential. If God created pleasure as part of marital intimacy, then it must serve some meaningful purpose within His plan. So the real question is this: what is that purpose, and how can we be sure we’re pursuing sexual pleasure in a way that honors it? To understand what that purpose is, we have to begin by assessing the nature and role of sexual pleasure within the marital covenant.

So what is the proper role of pleasure in marital sexuality as ordained by God, and how can we ensure that we are truly honoring this role? To answer this question, we must express a foundational principle that applies to all forms of pleasure: it does not exist for its own sake but serves to draw us into a deeper, more fundamental reality. In marriage, that reality is the fruitful communion of spouses.

The pleasure which accompanies expressions of marital sexuality is therefore ordained by God to deepen this communion. This principle underlies the Church’s teaching—both in encouraging the proper pursuit of sexual pleasure within marriage and in regulating that pursuit according to right reason.

This calls us to be watchful of two spiritual and relational pitfalls. On one hand, there’s the danger of subordinating marital communion to the goal of maximizing physical pleasure by any licit means necessary—a form of anti-Christian hedonism the Church has consistently condemned. On the other hand, there’s the danger of sidelining or even fearing sexual pleasure, often out of a well-intentioned but misguided application of the Theology of the Body’s admonitions against using one’s spouse, leading to scrupulosity or guilt over intentionally desiring or enjoying sexual pleasure at all.

What is wrong with these two tendencies, and how can we correct them?

In the case of hedonism, the problem lies in a reversal of ends. Pleasure—any pleasure—is meant to serve a good beyond itself. To seek it in isolation from that end is to act disorderly. In marriage, this tendency usually does not rise to the level of mortal sin unless it involves a grave violation of conjugal justice or chastity. Still, venial sin can erode the health and happiness of married life, since the laws of God are not arbitrary restrictions on our behavior but are themselves identical to our fulfillment and wellbeing. Therefore, sexual pleasure should always be pursued as a means of deepening the bond of love between spouses.

Now this begs the question, how do I know if I’m being hedonistic in my pursuit of sexual pleasure? The Church teaches that sexual activity in marriage is not to be sought after ob solam voluptatem (for pleasure alone), but left by itself this can be rather ambiguous and cries out for further explanation.

Does that mean I’m acting hedonistically if I wish to have intimacy with my wife but am not consciously thinking of a motive other than simply wanting to enjoy the intimacy with her? Where do we draw the line? I think a good rule of thumb would be this: if the pursuit of sexual enjoyment within marriage involves some sort of escapism from the regular relational dynamic between the spouses, that would seem to indicate an underlying disordered preoccupation with sexual pleasure. Therefore, to fall into this vice, there needs to be some exclusion of the ends of marriage in pursuing this pleasure so that the pursuit of pleasure stands in isolation from the true ends of marriage. If no such exclusion is taking place, and the pursuit of sexual pleasure within marriage brings the spouses closer together over time, there is no need to become scrupulous about this.  The best way to avoid this tendency is to always make sure that the pursuit of pleasure is actually bringing you closer to your spouse and bringing you to a deeper knowledge and appreciation of who he or she is. If you can recognize that happening in your marriage, that is a very good indication that you’re subordinating  – not rejecting – the role of pleasure in a healthy and virtuous way, which brings me to the second tendency: disordered sexual asceticism. 

While intentional periods of abstinence—especially through NFP—can enrich a couple’s prayer life and mutual sanctification, taking on extended or frequent abstinence beyond what is spiritually useful requires serious and prayerful discernment. Contrary to some overly rigorist voices online, very few married couples are called to prolonged or permanent continence.

The sexual dimension of marriage is deeply embedded within its sacramental character, and the sacramental graces of marriage are not only meant to regulate the sexual appetite according to right reason, but to enable the shared experience of the conjugal act to itself be a channel of grace and holiness. 

Rightly understood, sexual pleasure in marriage is neither a threat to holiness nor a concession to the flesh. It is a meaningful part of God’s design created for sanctification. When it is pursued not in isolation but as a means of deepening communion with one’s spouse, it becomes not only permissible, but holy. The goal is not to fear pleasure nor to fixate on it, but to receive it in the right measure and direction: as something that draws spouses beyond themselves into a deeper knowledge, reverence, and joy in the otherness of the other. When sexual enjoyment in marriage becomes an expression of communion, it fulfills its purpose, not only in nature but in the mystery of the sacrament itself. Let us conclude with the immortal words of Pope Pius XII who gave us, in my judgment, one of the best papal treatments on Catholic sexual ethics to date: 

“The Creator Himself … established in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.”¹

Pius XII, Discourse to Midwives, October 29th, 1951