Before diving into what might be a surprising or even uncomfortable topic for some, a word of pastoral intent: the purpose of this article is not to encourage the use of any particular sexual technique, nor to normalize behavior that would bring shame or scandal. Rather, this article is written to guard against the scourge of scrupulosity, an all too common spiritual affliction that can deaden intimacy between spouses by burdening the conscience with unnecessary fears that are not rooted in any discernible consensus in moral theology. There is a real need among faithful Catholic couples to discern what is licit and what is not when it comes to marital intimacy, particularly in areas that may be commonly experienced but too embarrassing to ask about in the public forum. This article seeks to make room for freedom of conscience in one such area: the question of whether vulgar words—often referred to as “dirty talk”—may ever be used licitly between spouses.
To begin, it’s important to distinguish between various kinds of offensive language. The term “vulgar language” is often used interchangeably with profanity, cursing, or swearing, but in moral theology these are not equivalent terms.
- Profanity refers to blasphemy or any disparaging of God, the saints, or sacred things (such as the tabernacle or liturgical vessels).
- Swearing refers to an invocation of God or the Saints in some vain way, contrary to Our Lord’s words in Matthew 5:34-37
- Cursing traditionally speaking refers to an act against charity whereby evil is called down upon someone or something for whatever reason.
- Vulgarities refer to words that society generally considers inappropriate or offensive, typically because they express raw feelings of passion or relate to bodily functions or sexual matters and tend to make people feel uneasy or awkward..
Of the above types of speech, the first three (profanity, swearing, and cursing) are self-evidently sinful, and indeed, often constitute grave matter. Vulgarities, however, occupy a more complex moral space. Their moral character depends largely on context.
Yes, someone who habitually uses vulgar language without regard for virtue or modesty could fall into venial sin, especially if this pattern brings about scandal or a general coarsening of speech. But vulgar language is not per se sinful. It is not intrinsically evil. Its morality hinges on extrinsic factors such as circumstance, intent, and effect.
For example, if such language is used to injure, humiliate, or scandalize, or if it facilitates a sexual sin (like impure conversation between unmarried persons), then it clearly shares in the sinfulness of the act it supports. But the same words, spoken in a different context and for a different reason, such as intensifiers in private settings, may not carry that same moral weight.
Some might object that Scripture explicitly condemns the use of vulgarities. For example, St. Paul writes in Colossians 3:8, “But now put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and
filthy speech from your mouth,” and in Ephesians 5:4, “Let there be no obscenity, nor foolish talk, nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.” These are serious warnings. But how are we to interpret them in light of marital intimacy?
St. Thomas Aquinas, in his Commentary on Colossians, explains that these verses refer primarily to disordered speech that provokes carnal desires outside the proper context. In his gloss on Colossians 3:8, he writes:
“Second, he mentions a disorder concerning concupiscence, when he says, filthy speech out of your mouth: let no evil talk come out of your mouths (Eph 4:29).”1
Similarly, in his commentary on Ephesians 5:4, Aquinas understands these condemnations of obscene speech to apply to behavior associated with actual sins of the flesh, particularly those occurring outside of marriage. He writes:
“Hence he bans three vices, namely, obscenity, which consists in impure touches, embraces and lustful kisses. But he who is an adulterer, for the folly of his heart shall destroy his own soul. He gathers to himself shame and dishonor (Prov 6:32–33). Then there is foolish talking, which is words provocative of evil. For her conversation, that is, of an evil woman, burns as fire (Sir 9:11).”2
In both commentaries, the “filthy speech” condemned is that which incites lustful thoughts or behaviors outside the boundaries of marital chastity. Within the sacrament of marriage, however, impurity is measured according to an entirely different moral calculus. The expressions of desire between spouses are not judged by the same standards as those that incite fornication or adultery. Rather, they are judged by their orientation toward mutual love, unity, and openness to life, which pertain to the ends of marriage. Thus, the use of taboo expressions in the context of marital intimacy cannot be automatically grouped with the obscenities condemned by the Apostle.
Some may object that sexuality is sacred and that using vulgar words during sex is inherently debasing. Now it is, of course, absolutely true that sex is sacred, and that words which directly deny or degrade this sacredness would be sinful, perhaps mortally sinful in some cases. But the sacredness of sex does not imply that every aspect of it must be cloaked in euphemism or clinical abstractions. Sex, while sacred, is also sourced in natural human passions and sexual feelings are inescapably influenced by the consequences the Fall has on our concupiscible appetites. Even under the grace of the sacrament, sexual passion in particular is not going to be under the austere control of reason. It is the sacrament which legitimizes the indulgence of this non-rational appetite, but the sacrament does not erase the physical and psychic sensations involved in the indulgence of these passions, regulated by reason though they may be. For this reason, it is not debasing the sacred to make use of words that are uniquely capable of channeling this sexual passion. After all, vulgarities are often considered vulgar precisely in the measure that they tap into feelings of raw or primal passion and unleash them to others by way of intelligible words.
The renowned Dominican moralist Fr. Benoît Merkelbach, O.P., offers a remarkably candid treatment of this subject in his Quaestiones Pastorales. He writes:
“Looks, touches, kisses, embraces, and conversations, even ones that use vulgar expressions, are permissible between spouses carried out with a view toward intercourse, insofar as these lead to it being done with greater ease and mutual delight: for they are a means of bringing the fullness of the act to completion, and if the end is honorable, the means are also naturally ordered to it.”3
It is important to note that Merkelbach is not speaking alone but is just reiterating the moral consensus of the preconciliar era.
It all depends! If the purpose is to demean the other spouse or to treat the spouse as nothing more than an object of sexual passion, then using such words would be sinful by virtue of this deeper sin . But if it is used to communicate passion, to heighten pleasure, or to make desire intelligible within the context of loving marital union, it need not be sinful.
The distinction lies in whether the language signifies an actual debasement, or whether it merely channels the reality of sexual passion through words, words that retain their bond to the bodily and emotional experience of sex, without abstracting it into sterile concepts.
Again, this is not a push for the use of such language, and certainly not for introducing it where it causes discomfort or scandal. Rather, it is a word of pastoral realism. Many devout Catholic couples are burdened by unnecessary guilt for expressions of love that, in context, may not be sinful at all. The goal here is to ease those consciences and to quell scrupulosity, not to add fuel to hedonism or laxism. Catholic couples should feel the freedom to discern this matter together, in prayer and mutual respect, rather than in a fear that is not reasonable.
- Thomas Aquinas. Commentary on the Letter of Saint Paul to the Colossians. Translated by F. R. Larcher, O.P.
- Thomas Aquinas. Commentary on the Letter of Saint Paul to the Ephesians. Translated by F. R. Larcher, O.P.
- Merkelbach, B. Quaestiones pastorales: Quaestiones de castitate et luxuria
