Does the Marital Debt Apply to Foreplay?

One touchy topic we have sought to address a fair number of times on this site is the marital debt, not for the sake of stirring controversy, but to remind Catholic couples of the profound moral significance the Church places in ensuring that both spouses are guaranteed the right and ability to renew their marital covenant through regular access to the conjugal act. While it is always better to cultivate a relational dynamic where the marital debt never needs to be intentionally invoked, the Church in Her wisdom deeply understands the conjugal embrace is not just a privilege of marriage, but a true need that must be met regularly in order to strengthen the bond of love between the spouses. That is how God designed it. But this raises an important follow-up question especially for those who understand the importance that foreplay and acts short of sexual intercourse have in cultivating the joyful spirit that is meant to accompany conjugal relations. And that is, does the marital debt also apply to requesting acts of foreplay just as it applies to requesting sexual intercourse? 

The short answer is no. The marital debt can be legitimately employed for the marital act and nothing beyond the marital act. Now the reason for this is because the existence of the marital debt flows from the sacrament of marriage and in the sexual dimension of marriage, only the marital act pertains essentially to the sacrament itself. All sexual activity outside the marital act would be called accessories to the marital act, but not essential to it and so cannot be requested with the backing of sacramental authority. Moreover, it is often the case that one spouse has sexual desires for acts of foreplay that simply make the other spouse uncomfortable or that may even trigger a traumatic response of some kind. In cases such as this, the Church wants to make sure that spouses are protected as much as possible from pressure or utilization by their spouse. No one should ever be made to feel as though they’re just being used to tick a series of boxes on their spouse’s sexual wishlist.

That being said, while in my judgment, I would never consider acts of foreplay as falling within the scope of what may be legitimately requested by recourse to the marital debt, we must consider a number of important caveats. For one, just because a spouse has no moral right to this or that act of foreplay, if your spouse is sincerely asking for it, then simply refusing that request or refusing an openness to considering the request would be to knowingly acquiesce to your spouse being left sexually unsatisfied. It is reductive and materialistic to consider sexual satisfaction as only being about orgasm. While orgasm is certainly at the apex of sexual satisfaction, it’s so much more than that. So just because you are able to get your spouse to reach orgasm does not necessarily mean you are meeting all of their sexual needs, which is an indispensably important dimension of a happy conjugal life. Therefore, even if acts of foreplay or various other sexual expressions outside of the marital act may not fall under the marital debt, I would very much argue that spouses have a moral obligation to discern each other’s sexual desires or needs especially in the area of foreplay and openly communicate how they can best be met. Not only will this lead to a more mutually satisfying sexual relationship, it will also deepen the bond of emotional intimacy, which will always improve your marriage at every level.