How to Talk with Your Spouse About Sex: A Catholic Approach to Honest Conversations

May 12 / James Walther, MA, ABS
This article provides Catholic couples with practical tips for having open, respectful conversations about sexual intimacy in marriage. Written by James Walther, it addresses common communication barriers about sex, offers specific communication techniques, and introduces the "Yes, No, Maybe" guide as an organized method for couples to discuss preferences and boundaries. The piece emphasizes that open discussion about intimacy gets deeper through physical touch, spiritual and emotional touch, within a Catholic understanding that honors marriage as sacred. This post aids couples in moving beyond shyness to become closer and more attuned to one another.
Most married Catholics agree: sex is important—but talking about it? That’s often a different story.

Whether it’s embarrassment, fear of rejection, or simply not knowing where to begin, too many couples avoid the very conversations that could bring them closer. Yet God designed marital intimacy not only to be expressed, but also to be understood—and that understanding begins with words.

Talking openly about sex isn’t just about technique or preference. It’s about vulnerability, trust, and growing in unity with the one you vowed to love. And with the right approach—and the right tools—it doesn’t have to be awkward or overwhelming.

Let’s look at how to begin.

Why Talking About Sex Matters

Honest conversations about sex are part of what makes marriage thrive. Sex isn’t just a physical act—it’s a language of love that speaks trust, joy, vulnerability, and unity. But like any language, it needs to be practiced. And like any good gift, it needs to be unwrapped, explored, and understood.

When couples don’t talk about sex, misunderstandings grow. Needs go unmet. Assumptions harden. But when couples speak with openness and charity, they deepen not just their physical relationship, but their emotional and spiritual bond as well.

Common Barriers to Communication

If the thought of starting a conversation about sex makes you anxious, you’re not alone. Common reasons include:

  • Embarrassment from past formation, trauma, or silence around sexuality

  • Fear of hurting your spouse or being rejected

  • Uncertainty about how to talk about intimate topics without sounding demanding or critical

It’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make things better—it just keeps you stuck.

Tips for Starting the Conversation

Getting started is often the hardest part. Here are a few things that help:

  • Pray first. Ask for humility, gentleness, and love.

  • Pick the right moment. Don’t bring up sensitive topics during a fight or in the middle of intimacy. Set aside quiet, intentional time.

  • Use “I” statements. “I’ve been thinking about how we can grow closer” lands better than “You never…”

  • Be patient and kind. Let your spouse share without interrupting or correcting. Affirm the effort it takes to open up.

Use the Yes, No, Maybe Guide

One of the best ways to start the conversation is with a tool designed for it. Our updated Yes, No, Maybe guide is built to help couples name their desires, set boundaries, and discover new ways of loving each other—all in a safe, pressure-free format.

The guide includes a list of common sexual activities and preferences. Each spouse marks them as “yes,” “no,” or “maybe,” and then you compare. No judgment. No assumptions. Just clarity and connection.

You don’t have to talk about everything at once. Take your time. Start with one section. Use it as a check-in every few months, or whenever you feel your needs shifting.

You can download the new edition at the link below.

Moving Forward Together

Talking about sex isn’t something you do once—it’s a conversation you keep returning to as your marriage grows. And the more you talk, the easier (and more fruitful) it becomes.

So start small. Use the guide. Make space for grace. You’re not just talking about sex—you’re building a more honest, joyful, and unified marriage.