There is an ongoing debate in Catholic circles, especially Traditional Catholic circles, about the appropriate or ideal gender roles in the family. While that is an important topic and one that we will discuss in greater detail in future blog posts, I think that it is important to remember that being precedes action. So the roles of man and wife should flow as an authentic expression of the natures of man and wife.

When Megan and I were married, unlike the modern custom of the bride placing the wedding band on the groom’s finger, I followed another, European custom of taking the ring directly from the priest and placing it on my own finger. This is symbolic of the fact that I have chosen and initiated this covenant. My wife is not my “ball and chain;” I chose her. I chose to pursue her, to court her, to woo her, to propose to her, to marry her. Yes, she certainly acted with free will in accepting my advances, but in a receptive role.

Now as those who have had the pleasure of visiting my castle, Waltherschloß, you have probably heard me say that when you step onto my property you enter a monarchy, and I am the king. Although that may come across as a bit hubristic,it is true that this is my house. By divine and natural law, I am head of this house. That distinction carries with it a certain dignity and many responsibilities.

As you can see from my bio, I am now from Saint Louis. King Saint Louis IX of France is a great example for us husbands because he was one. What strikes me most about King Saint Louis is that he was truly a servant king. For all time, men have so easily confused power with authority. Because of this error, they try to amass and inflict their power on others as a proof of their authority. Saint Louis did not fall into this error. He was known to heal lepers with his touch and to feed the poor from his table daily. Anyone that has worked as a waiter knows that one might do that once and awhile as a publicity stunt, but to do it daily for free is pretty impressive. Is it likely that a man who made a habit of serving strangers did not also make a habit of serving his wife and children? I think not.

Recently, I heard someone say that a wife should have her husband’s permission before leaving the house. While I grant that there could be grave and just reasons for a husband to order his wife to stay home and she should obey such an order, that is not the norm. Saint Louis spent several years on crusade. While on crusade, his wife, Queen Margaret of Provence, governed the kingdom, just as Louis’s mother, Queen Blanche de Castile, had done as regent during his childhood.

It is hard to believe that the same king who would entrust an entire kingdom to his bride would then not trust her with managing her own affairs when he was at home. This same thing applies to us and it boils down to trust vs. power. If we trust our wives with our lives (and by marrying them we do), then we can trust them with their own. If on the other hand we feel the need to control them, then we show that we either don’t trust them, which is a grave problem for a marriage, or we are full of pride, or both. 

This carries over to the question of whether or not a woman can or should have a job, especially a job outside the home. While we can certainly point to the domestic role of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we can also look to the example of saint queens, such as Elizabeth of Hungary, who led both saintly and active lives that included governance. Since fulfilling one’s duties of their state in life is one of the key elements of discerning someone’s sanctity, the canonization of these saint queens is at least a tacit recognition of the possibility of a wife and mother to have duties outside the home. Since even the great Servant King Louis “allowed” his wife to work outside the home, as governing the kingdom certainly required, I think it safe to say that this point should not be one of such heated contention.

So if “being the boss” isn’t the essential nature of being a husband, what is? Although this is not a philosophical definition, I would propose that it is to be the servant king of a family. Yes, we truly are called to govern our households, but we are to do it in a spirit of service, not lording our power and authority, but setting an example of service and generosity. 

How can we practically live out a spirit of service as domestic servant kings?