A Wife’s Submission
1 Peter 3:5-6: “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
Submission. It can bring up a lot of quick feelings. While I think most Catholic women are aware of this topic and the bible verses that mention it, not so many practice it. Honestly, it’s really hard sometimes. From my professional training in counseling, I think there are two main causes for rebellion. One is pride and the other is fear.
When I say fear, I mean being afraid that you cannot trust, cannot rely upon, and/or will not get your needs met, so instead, you try to control. Where to go to Mass, what activities the kids are involved in, when you’re open to more children, how your money is spent, where you vacation, etc.. When you make all of the decisions alone, multiple things are occurring. You are creating an unnecessary burden on yourself to attempt to ensure your needs are met. You are also robbing your husband of the opportunity to lead his family due to your inability to trust his leadership and guidance. Now there are of course exceptions to this, but I encourage you to examine your heart and see where in your life you are operating out of fear and choosing to not rely on your husband to fulfill his promise to you.
When dealing with pride, this can look like, “I know best, I can take care of it, I don’t need to ask him, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” and so much more. Pride can take an evil root in your life that destroys more than you will ever see coming. Picture a toddler about to run out into the middle of the road. As a parent, you are supposed to guide them and protect them. Except when you grab their hand and stop them, they typically start screaming or crying, doing their best to get away from you. They’re so focused on their objective, they don’t understand your role and why you had to restrain them. Submitting to your husband isn’t quite the same, because I do believe that you are equal partners, but there may come a time where your husband asks you to submit to his authority out of respect and care for him as the head of household, and you want to kick and scream and cry, because it feels like your thoughts and desires aren’t being cared for, when actually the opposite is true. So you might try to deal with the situation yourself, go behind his back or try to manipulate him to see things your way. This is sinful behavior. Behaving in this way could lead your husband to distrust you and consequently distance himself from you. This is a great way to destroy not only intimacy, but your family.
We have been tasked to submit to our husbands. There have been times where I tell James, “I want you to know I have a differing opinion, but I’m going to submit to you.” He can ask about my opinion, adjust or explain as needed, but ultimately he can trust me. He can trust I’m not going to try to manipulate or meddle where I don’t need to. It allows my husband to feel comfortable with me. He can be vulnerable and honest when he knows I respect his authority. The responsibility for leading our household is his, and his intentions are good. He can lead well because I give him the space and room to do so. Have you ever tried to do a two-handed job one- handed? It’s difficult. You make mistakes. It takes longer. Same thing goes for when husbands are spending their time on the defense towards their wife, instead of spending time on the offense as a team for their family.
If any of this describes your marriage, I would encourage you to pray, spend time in confession, spend time in adoration. Reflect on ways you can practice submission and let go of fear and pride. Think of ways you can give your spouse room to lead you. Keep in mind, if your spouse has been rejected, shot down, and emasculated, it might take some trust-building moments for him to feel safe enough to try to lead you. This is why I encourage you to start small. Find the little moments where you assume control when it would be perfectly okay to let your husband lead. Planning a date night, taking care of the errand running, leading family prayers, are all examples of areas where your husband could do a magnificent job if you let him. Might he make a mistake? Yes, he’s human and probably hasn’t had much practice if you’ve been doing it. Offer grace and be patient. I would also recommend a formal apology to your husband and honest conversation about your feelings on the matter and what you’re working on. Without vulnerability you cannot have true intimacy.
