Intimacy Amidst Infertility

This post is probably one of the more difficult journal entries, but I feel like it should be addressed sooner rather than later. As you read this, please be gentle in your judgment; I wasn’t always Catholic. 

All throughout high school, every month, I had horrendous periods. For the first two days I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t stand up, I would get a fever, chills, nausea, diarrhea, and cramping so bad I thought that cutting out my uterus myself would be less painful. I had to miss school for the first two days of my period every month. When I finally turned 18 I went on the pill. I was told that it would help regulate my symptoms and give me my life back. And it did. I was on the pill for two years, but hated having to remember a pill every day at the same time. I switched to a few other options, but ultimately I spent about 2 ½ years on hormonal birth control. During this time, I had 2 periods. I was loving it, because I finally had sustained relief. When I informed the doctor I wasn’t getting my period at all, she told me that was normal. Well then I stopped the pill. I didn’t like what hormonal birth control was doing to my body and I didn’t like having to think about it, so I quit it cold turkey. For the next two years, I wouldn’t have a single period. 

I met James when I was 22, and after he proposed to me he asked for me to be checked out by my OBGYN, as I hadn’t really thought about it. I agreed, and my OBGYN was able to complete a blood panel and ultrasound to confirm I now had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. There are different types of PCOS, some are related to insulin, mine wasn’t. All of my levels appeared “normal” but none of my hormones were working. This means that my chances to get pregnant are very low. Because we were practicing abstinence, my secular OBGYN didn’t put me on any medication to remedy the situation. That was in February and we got married in September, and shortly moved to Saint Louis. We honestly were thinking that we would get pregnant on our honeymoon. When that didn’t happen, we said, “Well maybe it’ll just take a month or two”. When January came around and all the pregnancy tests were negative, we decided to find an OBGYN. We found a great Catholic provider and she immediately started us with medication and vitamins and informed us about the lubrication. We had no idea that this entire time, the lubrication we were using was acting as a spermicide due to it reducing almost all motility. 

We made the changes and started on a new regiment. We were exercising, trying to eat healthier, and I actually did lose 10 lbs in those first 2 months. We were praying and taking ovulation tests every day and monitoring all the symptoms for potential ovulation. But it never came. I can’t tell you how many pregnancy tests I cried over. How many times I had to turn off a television show because it involved a baby or pregnancy. The ovulation hormones were making me feel crazy because of how many times I would randomly cry through the day. We went back to the OBGYN, she upped our dose and we continued again for the next 3 months. The cycle was exhausting and emotionally draining. I felt and still feel from time to time, so much shame and guilt. I felt broken and hopeless that we would ever get pregnant. James and I did not express our grief in the same way. He was trying to stay strong and be a comfort to me, but all I really wanted from him was to cry with me. To show me that he was feeling as heartbroken as I was everytime the pregnancy test was negative.

 We actively tried for about 8 months before we couldn’t afford the treatments anymore. We spent more than we had to offer on blood draws and scans and doctor visits, so at the end of the 8th month when our doctor said the next step is injections, doctors appointments 4 times a month minimum, plus extra medication, we had to take a pause. We knew we couldn’t afford the extra treatment and were both so exhausted. We took about three weeks to pray and talk, and decided the Lord was calling us to take a break. When we finally came to that decision we felt so much peace. The burden had been lifted in some ways and we were able to rest. 

We recognized that it clearly wasn’t God’s timing yet, and we had been striving in our own strength. Because of this, it made it even harder. Mandated sex can begin to feel like a chore even when you love your partner so much. James was very sweet to me and never blamed me for having a faulty uterus, but my own shame and guilt very easily could have driven a wedge between us. I had to communicate with him why I was feeling that way. Of course he wanted to jump in and rescue me from myself, and assure me I shouldn’t feel that way, but I needed to give it to God. James’s reassurance was a band-aid to a much deeper issue that I felt like I should be in charge of my own timeline and I didn’t trust that the Lord would fulfill his promises to me. My pride was tripping me up every month and creating distance between myself and my husband because I was withdrawing. I didn’t want him to see this very ugly side of me that was deep in a struggle with God. 

When I was finally able to admit it to myself, we had a very vulnerable conversation and realized that our marriage is stronger when we are both relying on the Lord and seeking Him in every circumstance, and we discussed how we can better hold each other accountable for making our faith a priority in our everyday lives . About a week after that, I became very ill and was bed ridden for the next 3 weeks until I was able to get into surgery. If I had been pregnant or a new mom, I wouldn’t have been able to have the surgery, so there’s some proof that God really does know what He’s doing. 

So now it’s been a little over a year of marriage and being completely open to life, and no baby. There are still some really difficult moments, like when you’re holding your best friend’s 3 day old baby and you wish it yours, but there’s also many blessings and things we’ve been able to do and accomplish because we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Honestly, I would much rather have a baby than those things, but it’s a silver lining. All of that to say, there are a few things that I would recommend to build intimacy during a season of barrenness or grief. 

First, check in with yourself. Are you okay? The answer might be no, and that’s okay. What are you doing about it? Are you suppressing all emotions until you lose it and then it’s a dam that can’t be shut? Are you lashing out at others or avoiding things that you used to enjoy? Figure out where you’re at and maybe even what you need. If it’s a good cry once a day and some snuggles before bed, great. If it’s trying to have more quality time so sex doesn’t feel like a chore, up the romance factor.  

Second, communicate. I know it’s easier said than done, and I have a great husband who is always willing to listen so I’m a little biased, but let your spouse know you need some quality time with them to communicate, and then take this time to let them know everything you figured out in the first step. If you need to write down some notes to keep yourself on track, go for it.

Third, I would recommend praying together as a couple daily. Pray about your hopes, dreams, and desires. Pray for the Lord’s perfect timing. Pray for others who are going through the same experience. Pray for your marriage to be strengthened and for each of you to grow in virtue. Pray for other things that are going on besides what’s grieving your heart most, and then pray for that too. Pray for patience, endurance, and courage to trust in the Lord. Pray for grace in the long suffering and it doesn’t hurt to pray that the long suffering isn’t so long.

Fourth, I would recommend that you pray some of these things and more for your spouse when you’re alone and they don’t know it. A heavy burden does not provide an excuse for bad communication and bitterness; prayer tends to soften the heart.

Lastly, remember to be silly with each other. Sometimes grief and infertility can feel like a giant weight that you have to hold up all of the time. Give yourself permission to laugh, smile and have a good time. Even an hour will help reconnect you with your spouse and make you feel a little more whole. Tell your spouse for the next 15 minutes we’re only being silly and whoever’s the silliest gets to start a tickle or pillow fight. Create joyful moments that will help release some of the tension and anxiety that’s been weighing on you. Try to move your body in the process, as grief stores in the hips. Have a dance party, play twister, wrestle each other for the remote and winner gets to put on a song/tv show of choice. There are multiple ways to incorporate some fun back into a stressful time, but communicating first is the best start.

I personally really appreciate these prayers for my spouse:

“Dear God, 

Please grant my husband your guidance in all that he does. Be with him as he makes decisions both large and small, and help him to feel your hand leading in his life. Give him the confidence to make Godly choices and to seek to do your will in everything. If he is struggling with a specific issue, please bless him and make his paths straight and clear. Amen.”

“Dear Lord,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the blessing of marriage. I am so glad you gave me such a wonderful husband whom I treasure so deeply. Please help me to never take him for granted and continue to love him to the best of my abilities. Help me to love him as you love us. God, please bless our marriage in abundance. Help us to be a reflection of your love for us and help us always to seek you first in our marriage. Help us to grow stronger in love each and every day, and to always prioritize our marriage. Help us each to be selfless spouses who seek to bless and give to one another. And help us do all this to your glory Lord. Amen.”

For a great story that explains processing grief, watch ‘Tear Soup’ on Youtube, posted by Brenda Pfeiffer. It’s about 15 minutes, but definitely worth it.