Faking It or How to Never Orgasm
Research indicates that close to 70% of women have faked orgasms (Muehlenhard & Shippee, 2010). Another study found four major themes for why women fake orgasms:
Altruistic deceit: out of concern for the partner’s feelings,
Fear and insecurity: avoiding negative emotions associated with the sexual experience,
Elevated arousal: attempting to increase her arousal through faking orgasm,
Sexual adjournment: to end sex (Cooper et al., 2014).
Interestingly, another study found that 90% of men care that their partners have orgasms (Gingfelder, 2011).
I can already hear some women trying to explain that it’s not that big of a deal and they are happy to do it to make their husbands happy. I understand this and I appreciate the sacrifices that so many women have made to support their husbands. In this case, however, my professional opinion is that this sacrifice is misplaced and does not have the intended effect. I certainly cannot force anyone to change their actions, but I would like to share some thoughts that may make you change your mind.
It confuses your husband. Men have a tendency to take their spouses’ rejection of their sexual advances much more personally and emotionally than women do. If he thinks that he is sexually satisfying you, but he is not and you are in the habit of avoiding his advances, then he will likely think that it is something else that is wrong. If he cannot identify some other cause, then he will take it as a personnel rejection. This can lead to all sorts of marital conflicts and strife.
Trust is one of the key components of intimacy. Trust, in turn, is built on truth. Marriages, of all human relationships, should have the greatest trust. Sex is the most intimate and vulnerable physical act between two people. Violations of the trust that should surround that intimacy can be devastating to a relationship. It can be crushing for a man to find out that his wife has been faking, especially if she has done it consistently for years.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease. If he thinks that you are getting there, then he will think that what he is doing is sufficient and he will probably keep doing it. If you have been faking for some time now, then a habit may have already formed and you can expect to have to continue to fake for the rest of your marriage.
So, if you ever felt the need to fake an orgasm for your spouse, I would ask you to consider this one scenario. Look at the last time that you and your spouse had sex. If you had to repeat that exact same experience every time you had sex and you had sex twice a week or so for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied? Would your needs be met? If the answer is no, then you need to get help sooner rather than later. Don’t put it off. We Catholic sex coaches are a rare breed, but we are here and we have had a lot of success in helping women in your shoes. We’re here for you.
References:
Cooper, E. B., Fenigstein, A., & Fauber, R. L. (2014). The faking orgasm scale for women: Psychometric properties. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 423–435. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0212-z
Gingfelder, S. F. (2011, April). Understanding orgasm. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/04/orgasm
Muehlenhard, CharleneL., & Shippee, SheenaK. (2010). Men’s and women’s reports of pretending orgasm. Journal of Sex Research, 47(6), 552–567.https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490903171794
