Pride
In my experience working with families, I’ve seen pride be the root of a lot of arguments that were unnecessary. Both parties believe they know best or can do best, and it starts an argument about who is right and who is wrong. Afterwards, we typically don’t even remember what we were so angry about, because the actual thing didn’t matter all that much- our pride did. And it can become really easy to lose sight of the fact that you are both on the same team. You are both working towards the same goal- the good of the family. You just have different perspectives and viewpoints of the right way to bring good to the family.
So as a wife, what do you do when you fully believe your husband is wrong about how he responds to your children when they mess up? As a husband, what do you do when your wife is giving advice about how to complete a handyman project around the house? The prideful response would include an arrogant tone, maybe some condescension or even name calling. Your attitude or tone reads, “I am right, you are wrong. I don’t care what you have to say, I don’t need you”. Clearly, these types of responses to your spouse create barriers to your intimacy. You have barred yourself off from your spouse in mental and emotional aspects and pushed them away from providing input.
Hopefully you are praying for humility and going to confession for pridefulness, but the next step is to apologize to your spouse. Acknowledge your wrongdoing and commit to work on it. This looks like pausing for a moment, taking a breath, and re-wording or fixing your tone to communicate the care and love you have for the other, while also communicating your frustration with the other’s actions or words. You can also take a breath and decide you both need to revisit the conversation in 5 minutes or 6 hours when you’re both calmed down enough to have a rational conversation.
When you’re taking a pause before responding, try to remind yourself that your spouse is on your team. Your spouse is not against you. The goal is not to “win”. If you’ve constantly engaged in arguments, it’s likely your spouse knows your pattern of behavior and will be expecting that to continue. I want to remind you that even if your spouse seems to be nagging or egging you on because they’re expecting a fight, you’re responsible for your own words and actions. You don’t have to engage in the battle. When you realize that you don’t have to be right or “on top”, the battle doesn’t matter, the intimacy and communication with your spouse is what really matters.
A great act of wifely submission I saw throughout my life was a wife who would never outright disrespect or argue with her husband in front of their children. As I grew to know her more, she confided that later in private she would address any disagreements or concerns she had, but she made a point to never question his authority in front of their children or others, as an act of submission. She kept the private conversations private and her husband was able to adjust and correct anything he had missed or was genuinely wrong about without embarrassment or feeling belittled by his wife. The husband extended the same courtesy to her and they learned to have their disagreements and discussions in private so they could get on the same page and be a united front for their children. The children learned not to go behind their parents’ backs to the other parent and to respect their father as the head of the household.
If you’re looking for a prayer to work on pride, I would suggest praying the Litany of Humility every day. You can even pray it with your spouse to grow in humility together.
