The Harmful Relational Effects of Withholding Sex in Marriage

I. Introduction

Marriage is a sacred covenant, reflecting God’s love for humanity. This covenant is not only emotional and spiritual but also deeply physical. Marital intimacy is a divine gift meant to unite couples in love and openness to life. However, in today’s world, many couples face challenges that strain this unity. One such issue is the withholding of sexual intimacy as a form of control or emotional manipulation.

In coaching, it’s not uncommon to hear a spouse (often the wife) say, “I won’t be intimate until we emotionally connect,” or “I don’t feel close enough for sex.” While emotional connection is crucial in marriage, using sex as leverage can be profoundly damaging. This article explores the positive role of marital intimacy, the risks of withholding it, and how couples can break harmful patterns to restore their relationship within Catholic values.

II. The Healthful Effects of Marriage Intimacy

A. Strengthening the Marital Bond

Marital intimacy isn’t solely about physical pleasure; it’s a sacred act that unites husband and wife on all levels. Genesis 2:24 states, “Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.” This unity is both symbolic and real. Through sex, couples physically express their love, reinforcing commitment and trust.

Regular, loving intimacy helps spouses feel secure and cherished. It creates a safe space for vulnerability, deepening emotional connection. Often, physical intimacy leads to greater emotional closeness rather than the other way around.

B. Emotional and Psychological Gains

Scientific studies support what the Church has long taught: healthy marital intimacy reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, boosts mood, and enhances overall well-being. Physical closeness releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” helping couples feel connected and affectionate.

Beyond psychological benefits, there are spiritual ones. The sacrament of marriage imparts grace to couples, strengthening them to love selflessly. Intimacy becomes a way to cooperate with God’s grace, allowing spouses to grow in virtue together (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1641-1642).

C. Spiritual Dimensions of Intimacy

St. John Paul II, in his Theology of the Body, emphasizes that sexual intimacy is a profound act of self-giving. It mirrors Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church, where He gave Himself completely for our salvation. In marriage, spouses are called to that same self-donation—offering their bodies, hearts, and souls to each other without reservation.

III. The Dangers of Withholding Intimacy

A. Withholding Sex: Emotional and Physical Abuse

While it might seem harmless to withhold intimacy during arguments or emotional distance, this weaponization of sex is emotionally, and even physically, abusive. It violates marriage vows, where couples promise to love and honor each other all their lives. Withholding intimacy undermines trust and communicates rejection, causing deep wounds in a spouse’s heart.

Marriage is a partnership where both spouses have mutual rights and responsibilities. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 states:
"Let the husband render the debt to his wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband.The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband. And in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency."
This teaching highlights that spouses are called to serve one another in love, not to withhold affection as punishment or manipulation.

B. The Sinfulness of Denial Without Grave Reason

Denying your spouse intimacy without a serious reason isn’t just hurtful—it’s gravely sinful. Just as adultery, pornography, and masturbation violate marriage from one side, refusing marital intimacy without just cause violates it from the other. Virtue lies in balancing extremes. Marital chastity involves both fidelity and openness, avoiding both indulgence and deprivation.

While there are valid reasons to abstain—like illness, recovery from childbirth, or mutual spiritual discernment—habitual refusal without such reasons can deeply harm the marriage. It denies the other spouse a legitimate need, potentially leading to frustration, resentment, and even temptation toward sinful outlets.

C. The “Tit-for-Tat” Approach: Setting Spouses Up for Failure

Using intimacy as a control tool creates a toxic dynamic. When one spouse says, “I’ll only be intimate if you meet my emotional needs first,” it sets up a transactional model of love rather than one based on unconditional self-giving. This mentality turns love into a negotiation, where affection is earned rather than freely given.

This approach fosters resentment and sets the other spouse up for failure. No one can perfectly meet all emotional needs at all times. Placing conditions on intimacy risks drifting further apart emotionally and physically, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.

D. Withholding Intimacy After Infidelity: A Painful Barrier to Healing

When a spouse discovers infidelity—whether through adultery, pornography, or masturbation—the betrayal cuts deeply. The pain, anger, and sense of rejection can feel overwhelming. It’s entirely natural for the betrayed spouse to struggle with the idea of physical closeness after such a profound violation of trust. Intimacy, which once symbolized love and unity, can now feel tainted by feelings of hurt and betrayal.

In these moments, withholding sex might seem like a justified response—a way to express the depth of the pain or to punish the offending spouse. It may even feel like the only way to protect oneself from further hurt. However, while these feelings are valid and deserving of compassion, using sex as a form of punishment or as leverage to control the healing process can create even deeper wounds in the marriage.

Withholding intimacy in response to infidelity can inadvertently reinforce emotional distance, making reconciliation more difficult. It risks turning the marriage into a battleground of silent resentment, where neither spouse feels safe or loved. This kind of emotional standoff can foster further isolation, making it harder for both partners to rebuild trust and find their way back to each other.

It’s important to recognize that healing from infidelity is a process that involves both emotional and physical restoration. While immediate physical intimacy might not be possible or healthy right after a betrayal, intentionally and permanently withholding it as a form of punishment keeps the wound open. True healing requires vulnerability from both partners—the offending spouse must demonstrate genuine repentance and commitment to change, while the hurt spouse must eventually find a path toward forgiveness and openness, even if that path is slow and careful.

This doesn’t mean rushing into intimacy before you’re ready, nor does it mean ignoring the betrayal. Instead, it’s about being honest with each other, communicating openly about your feelings, and working together to rebuild trust without turning intimacy into a bargaining chip. Seeking guidance from a counselor or a trusted spiritual advisor can also help navigate these complex emotions and provide tools for moving forward.

Ultimately, withholding sex indefinitely as a punishment will not heal the wounds of infidelity. Only love, patience, forgiveness, and honest effort from both spouses can mend the fractures in the marriage. While the betrayed spouse’s pain is real and must be acknowledged, choosing to withhold intimacy as a long-term solution can cause more harm than good, preventing the very closeness and trust both partners ultimately desire.

IV. Breaking Cycles of Vicious Behavior

A. Recognizing the Cycle of Withholding and Emotional Distance

The first step in healing is recognizing the problem. Couples need to identify if they’ve fallen into patterns of emotional distance and physical withholding. Are you using sex as a reward or punishment? Are emotional needs being clearly expressed, or hidden behind resentment? Open, honest communication is essential. Both spouses should feel safe to express their feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation.

B. Rebuilding Physical and Emotional Intimacy Together

Healing begins with forgiveness. Couples should forgive each other for past hurts and commit to moving forward with love and patience.
Practical steps can include:

• Scheduling time for intimacy: Life can get busy, but prioritizing time for each other is crucial.

• Fostering emotional connection daily: Small gestures of kindness, words of affirmation, and shared activities can reignite emotional closeness.

• Avoiding conditional love: Make a conscious effort to give love freely, without strings attached.

C. Seeking Professional Advice

Sometimes, couples need outside guidance. Seeking help from a Catholic marriage counselor or through Catholic Relationship & Sex Coaching can provide valuable tools and perspectives. The sacraments—especially the Eucharist and Reconciliation—offer grace to heal and strengthen the marital bond.
Couples should also pray together, inviting God into their struggles and asking for the grace to love each other as Christ loves the Church.

V. Conclusion

Marital intimacy is a divine gift, designed by God to unite spouses in love and openness to life. Withholding sex without just cause undermines this gift, damaging the trust and unity marriage is meant to embody. However, with honest communication, forgiveness, and reliance on God’s grace, couples can overcome these challenges and grow stronger together.

True love in marriage isn’t about keeping score or withholding affection. It’s about self-giving, patience, and mutual respect. As St. John Paul II discussed in Love and Responsibility, the opposite of love isn’t hate—it’s use (Wojtyła, 1993). Let’s strive to love our spouses unconditionally, embracing both the emotional and physical aspects of our sacred bond.

References:

• Catechism of the Catholic Church. (1994). Part Three: Life in Christ. Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

  • CCC 2360-2363: The sacredness of marital intimacy.

  • CCC 1641-1642: The grace of the sacrament of marriage.

  • CCC 1650: Reconciliation and healing in marriage.

• Douay-Rheims Bible.

  • Genesis 2:24: “Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.”

  • 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: Mutual authority over each other's bodies in marriage.

• Wojtyła, K. (1993). Love and Responsibility. (H.T. Willetts, Trans.). Ignatius Press.

  • Explores the ethics of love, human sexuality, and relationships from a Catholic philosophical perspective.