Hard Truths for Men About Women's Experience of Sex
Dear Gentlemen,
All the men who have come to men for coaching have done so for the same reason: there is something wrong with their sex life. Almost universally, they felt they were failing to meet their wife’s needs. Some already had an idea of what was the cause and were right, some were pretty far off base. But they knew that something was wrong. If you are in this boat, I empathize with you and I pray that I or someone else helps you and your wife.
Every man I have ever worked with loves his wife dearly and wants to do all he can to make her happy, support her, and please her. Moreover, they have prioritized these things putting in the time and money to make them happen. So this post is not for those of you whom I have worked with. It is for all those that are still on the fence.
A recent conversation with a female client reminded me about how little so many men know about sex from a woman’s perspective. As a married man, I personally know one side. As a coach who works mostly with female clients, I have heard both. Sadly, there are many well-meaning, struggling men out there who want everything for their wives and either do not know where to find help or do not prioritize fixing the problem.
So for those men struggling with a bad sex life, there are a few hard truths about sex from a woman’s perspective that you should know about. (Ladies, feel free to email me or comment any that I have left out.)
What feels good to you, may not feel good for her. In fact, it may feel horrible. Many women suffer from painful intercourse, which can be caused by a variety of conditions. She may not tell you that she is in pain. She may be embarrassed.
The female orgasm is more psychological than it is physical. Stress and mental health conditions can greatly reduce or eliminate her capacity to orgasm.
For women, an orgasm does not always equal sexual satisfaction. For women, orgasms can have an even greater range of the satisfaction that they provide. Some women need more than one orgasm per session for satisfaction.
Most men have only one way to orgasm (penile stimulation). Most women have two (vaginal and clitoral).
There is a difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms. An orgasm resulting from the stimulation of one area may leave the other area unsatisfied.
A growing number of women have been sexually harassed, assaulted, and raped. It is statistically likely that your wife has experienced some form of sexual trauma. This can have miserable, life-long effects on her experience of sex.
If any event is painful, traumatic, frustrating, or otherwise unpleasant, most people try to avoid it. In sex, we make ourselves incredibly vulnerable to our spouse and when that vulnerability results in pain, the urge to avoid it is especially strong.
Gentlemen, I understand that rejection sucks. If you are getting rejected or resisted, there is probably some underlying cause that you are not aware of. Since you cannot pinpoint what the cause is, you can’t fix it. The first thing to do is ask. Offer your wife a safe space, without judgment, blame, or frustration to tell you what is wrong. Then get help.
