NFP and Intimacy
Guest Post by Haley Yeager, FCP, MA
My friend walked into her Church for her 9pm weekly Adoration hour, crossing paths with a man who was leaving from his assigned adoration time. Every week she passed by this man as they swapped their time in the chapel. After a few weeks of giving a slight smile at each other in lieu of a “hello”, she finally stopped him to introduce herself. As they were talking, she revealed that she instructs couples in the use of natural family planning – a system of charting the woman’s menstrual cycle to achieve or avoid pregnancy. The man, in his early 30’s, stated that he had heard of it, but his wife and he had decided to go a different route to avoid pregnancy. Fearful of being too invasive, but not too fearful to hold back, she asked him what they were using to avoid pregnancy. Explaining that they had been using condoms for a few years, my friend dared to ask an even more personal question: “Do you believe your wife feels used?”
He was shocked by the question, as with all things considered, he and his wife had a happy marriage. The man couldn’t believe why his wife would feel used by him. He loved her and would do anything for her. My friend gently invited him to ask his wife during the upcoming week if she feels used when they have sex. Puzzled but curious, he took the challenge.
The following week, my friend saw the man waiting outside the church for her as she walked up to pray at her usual time. He looked at her in disbelief and said, “How did you know?” My friend, somehow completely forgetting about their conversation the week prior, asked, “Know what?” “That my wife was feeling used.” With the conversation flooding back into her memory, she softly replied, “Because that was me early in my marriage.” The man looked relieved and asked where he could sign up for her next NFP course.
Natural family planning is used for much more than timing conception. Time and time again, as an NFP instructor myself, I see couples starting to communicate better, gain more trust in each other, and even have better sex because of their commitment to NFP.
Couples who use natural family planning know how to chart the woman’s menstrual cycle to be aware when she is fertile (a woman is only fertile for about a week during each menstrual cycle). Throughout the day, the woman observes different signs her body gives her to determine her fertility. Then at the end of the day, she communicates what she saw to her husband, who then charts her fertility signs for the day. This allows both the man and the woman to learn about their fertility on a daily basis and mutually make decisions on their timing for intimacy.
During the woman’s fertile window, the couple either abstains from intercourse to postpone a pregnancy or focuses intercourse to hopefully achieve a pregnancy. Therefore, if a couple is using NFP to not get pregnant, there is a periodic time of abstinence each month. Although one can see how NFP enriches a couple’s communication since fertility becomes a regular conversation, how can NFP enrich a couple’s sex life if they are periodically abstaining from sex? The answer is in the story of my friend’s encounter at her Church.
When a couple is using contraception, the woman is “available” at any time. There is no reason to not have sex, so why not have sex? However, in general, men and women have different sex drives with men’s usually being higher. This can cause major frustration for the woman who may feel bad for saying no (or who feels like she cannot say no), and for the man who is being turned down. Even in the most loving and holy marriages, couples may deeply experience these feelings which can turn into wounds of distrust or rejection, both signs of feeling used.
Natural family planning offers couples reprieve from these struggles because it requires intentionality in marital fertility. Fertility is no longer just the woman’s responsibility but is a shared experience between the man and woman. The couple using NFP fully grasps the reality of being one flesh with a shared fertility. When fertility is a regular conversation, sex becomes a regular conversation. Subsequently, consistent conversations about sex lead to healthier sex lives. With NFP, women often report feeling more cherished rather than used because their husbands are willing to practice periodic abstinence.
As an NFP instructor, one of my greatest joys is when I see the idea of NFP finally click in a couple’s mind. They have a tangible record (their fertility chart) of how God made their bodies and can see how the woman’s fertility is so beautifully orchestrated. They make intentional decisions about their sex life together, giving both the man and woman space to be heard which increases trust in each other. An NFP chart can even reveal hormonal imbalances based on the fertility signs the woman observes. In this case, I always refer the couple to a trusted doctor to receive treatment (treatment she may otherwise not have received).
This article can only touch the surface of the benefits and graces a couple receives when using natural family planning. However, my hope and prayer is that you begin this journey of learning about your marital fertility, discovering with NFP your capacity to freely give yourself as a gift to your spouse. Like most NFP couples, you may be surprised by the intimacy NFP brings to your marriage.
