Spoons and Scales: Tools for more than just the kitchen
We all have expectations. We have preconceived thoughts about how something will be, how something should be and how to get tasks accomplished. Some people have high expectations. They’ve set a standard for themselves and others, and can be limited on the leniency they give. Others have set a standard for themselves and others that operates on a more casual flow. The way people come to their preconceived notions can be traced back to their childhood. What was expected of them? What were the consequences or outcomes for the high or low expectations? What did they find to be frustrating or helpful in learning to adjust to different authority figures’ expectations? These are all questions that shape how we preconceive every interaction, yet many people are unaware of how these questions have impacted them.
When you go through marriage prep, you’re told to talk about these things. Who’s expected to take out the trash, watch the kids, or clean the toilets? It often falls to household duties. I know in our marriage prep, the purpose behind theorizing who will accomplish what was genuinely good. It came from a hope that our marriage will be great and intentional; a longing to be in that season where we get to live together and discuss who will take out OUR trash, sweep OUR kitchen floor. What I think we, and many others may have missed out on or forgotten to discuss was how to communicate continued expectations.
There can be continued expectations on holding each other accountable for household duties that there was an agreement to, holding each other accountable on household duties there was never an agreement to, but just kind of happened, continued expectations on how often a couple will eat out, or see friends, or have sex, or raise children, or pray together. The list can be endless. Every person brings their own experience, beliefs, and perspectives to the table for every single interaction. These expectations drive emotions and can either create or destroy intimacy, depending on how they’re handled.
For example, if it was my husband’s assigned duty to take out the trash, but he hadn’t taken it out in 2 weeks because he had been spending a lot of time out with friends. This particular incident might cause me to feel irritated, overwhelmed, and disappointed. Because I’m feeling this way, I will probably act on it. I might take the trash out myself, because I don’t trust him to follow through on his actions. I might express my annoyance by asking him to not hang out with his friends for a while. I might never say a word about it, and behave passive aggressively, hoping he reads my mind to apologize that he didn’t follow through. There are many ways some wives would handle this situation. The point of the scenario is that by responding in any of the above ways, I have chosen my pride over intimacy. I have made the situation about him not taking the trash out about me, when it doesn’t have to be.
Let’s flip the script. Same scenario, but my response is different. I see the trash is full and recognize my husband had agreed to take it out. A healthy and holy reaction might be to say to my husband, “Hey, not sure if you noticed but the trash is getting full and I would really appreciate it if you could take it out soon.” This gives the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn’t notice. (We’re not going to get into whether he should or shouldn’t have noticed, that’s another topic.) I could respond by saying, “Hey, I noticed the trash is getting really full. I’m feeling frustrated because it feels like you're prioritizing your friends over our household and I get overwhelmed by having to take on extra tasks because you’re not home to take care of it. Can we talk about this?”.
Hopefully this can lead to a productive discussion about priorities and when tasks should be completed before fun things. Hopefully, it’s only a 30 minute conversation and then your intimacy is restored because there is no lingering frustration or disappointment. It might take 3 hours, but 3 hours of hashing it out is better than 3 weeks of built up resentment over not taking the trash out. We’re looking for perspective, not perfection.
Most situations can be restored before they’re ever broken, simply by communicating our hopes and desires before the interaction. There are many ways to do this, and I’m going to give a few.
At breakfast, we typically ask each other, “What’s on your agenda for the day?”. We go through almost every item. I plan to call the pharmacy today and see if my prescription is ready after I clock out of work. I plan to clean the bathroom and finish the laundry. I also want to make a point to call my friend and schedule a time to hang out. If he doesn’t hear in that list something that he’s expecting me to do outside of the normal routine, he will say, “Can I add something to your to-do list?”. It’s a simple question that also gives me the opportunity to say no, or to set a realistic expectation on the time frame I can complete whatever he’s asking me.
Another tool we use is the term “spoons”. There’s a neat story around spoons that goes like this:
Everybody, everyday starts off with 10 spoons. Each task they do that day is going to take a certain number of spoons, and the amount can differ depending on the person, depending on how rested they feel, what’s going on in their life. For example, I hate doing laundry. I might say, doing laundry today is going to take 6 of my spoons, but I already have so many other things that are going to take more of my spoons than I have to give, so I’m not doing laundry today. It’s a language tool to direct your priorities, check in with yourself, and communicate your needs to your partner.
If I know that my husband has no clean clothes left, I might say I can take 3 spoons and wash only your clothes. I can’t iron them today, but you’ll have clean underwear. My husband understands that I’ve reached my limit for the tasks I can accomplish and vice versa. As we’ve incorporated this language, it’s been a useful tool for gauging where the other is at with energy and participation. When I ask my husband to go to the mall with me, he’ll let me know, I’ve got 4 spoons for this activity. As we go store to store, he can update me with where he’s at energy wise. It’s also important to include activities that replenish your spoons. If he’s had a no extra spoon day, I might make his favorite dinner and ask, “What can we do to give you another spoon?” He can reflect and get back to me on how he can feel re-energized. I don’t feel disappointed if he’s not actively engaging with me because he was already able to communicate where he was at instead of me having to pry it out of him.
Last tip, and this one is related to sex. In social work, we call it a Likert scale. It’s basically a thermometer to gauge how much of an emotion you are feeling. We apply this to sex. We found that our sex drives do not always coincide, and when we first got married, we felt rejected way more than we should have because we didn’t have the tools to communicate about this successfully. When we decided to start using the thermometer, it changed everything.
Each person has a baseline of horniness. Someone could be a 1, almost never horny. Someone could be a 9, always rip roaring, ready to go. The metaphor is a thermometer because it fluctuates, but there typically is a baseline or threshold that it sits at most often. When one of us would get the urge but maybe didn’t want to put themselves out there to initiate, or didn’t know quite how to initiate, we would either ask where our partner was on the scale, or inform our partner of where we were on the scale. So I could say, “Hey babe, I’m an 8 on the scale right now, where are you?” And we came to understand that if either one of us are on 8 or above, we need to work in some time to accommodate the other. A response could look like, “I’m currently a 3, but I could be a 6 in about 30 minutes”. A clear expectation about how you’re currently feeling and where you see that bid for initiation going. There are times where you might be a 7, and your partner is a 2 and says I’m just too exhausted tonight. Are you okay if we don’t? For us at least, it takes a lot of the rejection out of the equation and allows for an open conversation that reflects on both needs and how to meet both needs.
The other important thing to note is that all of these tools require self-reflection. They might require a 5 minute pause to calm yourself and figure out why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling so you can address it with yourself and your partner. If you realize that you’re on the edge of burnout, you’re overwhelmed with all of the tasks, and have been a parent to your partner instead of a companion, it is imperative that you sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation. Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is sharing yourself openly with your spouse. This includes everything that makes you feel vulnerable. Give your spouse an opportunity to meet you in your vulnerability and work with you through it so that you’re not barring off pieces of yourself. An inability to break down your own barriers and let your spouse in will be the death of a healthy and holy marriage. Allow your spouse to see the good and bad and let them continue to choose you.
