Stress and Intimacy: A Christmas Cocktail
Christmas is one of the most joyful times of the year. It is one of the most important liturgical seasons, being that in which we celebrate the Nativity of Our Lord. It can also be one of the most stressful times of the year. Now stress on a marriage can be in two forms: internal and external. Internal stresses are those between the couple themselves, while external are all those arising from children, family, friends, work, etc. These stresses are innumerable and come in varying degrees.
If you are struggling with infertility, maybe you were stressed by all the comments and questions. Are you pregnant yet? Are you using NFP? Are you on the pill? Are you planning on having children? Maybe you feel guilty because you feel that you are letting your spouse down because your body just won’t cooperate.
Business and finances offer a whole host of stresses. Stress over the cost of presents and having guests over, or the cost of travel and lodging. Maybe you or your spouse has a job that has extra work on Christmas: first responders, military, medical professionals, linemen, retail, and food services. The unexpected expense of repairs after bad weather. Or maybe your boss or colleagues didn’t respect your vacation days and pestered you with emails, phone calls, and texts. Maybe you had to be on damage control for some crisis.
Extended and Immediate family can be stressful. Children misbehaving, fighting, or they just outnumber the adults. Spiteful, hateful, annoying relatives can strain every fiber of one’s patience in a matter of minutes. Then there is the comparing. Maybe you are stressed because your DINK (double income, no kids) relatives seem to have such a perfect life, while you are drowning in the responsibilities of parenting. Maybe they are comparing themselves to you thinking about how much they would love to have children. Maybe you had to spend time around someone that has abused you in the past, or is currently abusing you.
Then there are all the physical and mental ailments that are a special burden this time of year. The difficulty of traveling with a handicap. Making sure to boot your service dog each time they go out in the snow. If you are on the autism spectrum, or your spouse is, or a child, you have the added stress of changes in the routine, lots of people. If you have a mental illness or trauma, trying to find the time to take care of yourself and manage the triggers can be a nightmare. The frustration of not being able to eat most of the foods because your family and friends forget or ignore your allergies.
Loneliness can be brutal this time of year too. Maybe you can’t afford to go home to your loved ones, maybe it has been years since you were able to go home. Maybe you are the black sheep of the family and just didn’t bother subjecting yourself to the abuse. Maybe you were physically surrounded by people, but mentally and emotionally isolated and alone. Maybe the loneliness pushed you to the edge. Thank you for not jumping!
Right along with the loneliness comes the struggle with addictions. As the friends of Bill W. like to say, “HALT” (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). Especially during the holidays, we may be feeling all of these things and it may make addictions that much more tempting. Trying to stay sober when surrounded by drinking. Trying to stay mentally sober, when surrounded by codependents. Trying to avoid porn when lonely. Having to leave the room when someone passes around the edibles. Avoiding eating too much or too little in response to overwhelming emotions or situations.
Maybe you and your spouse have been fighting about one or more of the above stresses. Maybe all the stress has kept you from fulfilling your spouse’s love language. Maybe they have failed to meet your love needs. Maybe you felt the need to bear some of the stress alone so your spouse and children could enjoy Christmas.
In all this stress, you are not alone! There are many others like you who are struggling with similar problems. Now that doesn’t make your stresses any less real or any less important, but hopefully it encourages you to remember that this too shall pass.
If you need support, talk to someone. No one can read our minds, including our spouses. Now that the Christmas blitz is dying down, maybe take stock of your stresses and how they affect your marriage. Maybe take some time to talk with your spouse to process it all. You can process how the holidays went with your immediate family, and any traditions that you felt weren’t executed well or weren’t included but you would like them to be. You can process any difficult conversations with extended family members and gain your spouses’ insight into how to respond differently in order to gain the desired result. You can discuss what went well in parenting over the holidays and what might need some continued efforts, along with brainstorming solutions for any problems that arose with travel or gifts or people. With the New Year right around the corner, it’s a great time to examine how things are going and what can be adjusted to make them better. Make a point to reconnect, to emotionally, and mentally bond with your spouse. Maybe a date night is overdue.
Ideally, we should be able to go to our spouses as our first line of support. If that isn’t the case, then find an appropriate alternative. If you have a sponsor, a spiritual director, a therapist, a mentor, call them. If you don’t have anyone else to call, email us. We are here to support you and your marriage. We have a growing network of Catholic priests, counselors, and therapists that we can refer you to.
