Addressing Conflict in Marriage
Fresh out of the womb, babies start crying for their needs to be met. This begins a long season of parents trying to meet their babies’ needs, even into adulthood. As the babies grow and develop, they are forming a particular attachment style to their parents. There are 4 main attachment styles, and they all are based on how the parents respond to the babies’ needs within the first 5 years of life. Each particular attachment style can stay with a person for their entire life and carryover into their romantic and parenting relationships. Based on your attachment style, this will influence how arguments are started and how the conflict is handled.
The four main attachment styles are: secure, anxious, avoidant-dismissive, and avoidant-fearful. The chart below explains the characteristics of each attachment style.
When someone feels secure in their relationship, they are trusting and can easily communicate specific concerns to be dealt with, without dismissing their own concerns or fearing that their partner will leave. For the other attachment styles, conflict can either be intensified or avoided at all costs. When conflict does arise, it can be explosive and last for hours or days, and then slid under the rug in order for the partner to feel emotionally regulated again.
Conflict is a normal part of a healthy relationship. A marriage is two individuals joining together as one. This does not mean that they need to like all of the same food, hobbies, and people. They are not meant to be identical, but a healthy balance of weakness and strength that complements the other. Because they are two individuals, there will be disagreements about how the dishes are loaded in the dishwasher, or where to spend the holidays. What matters is how the couple argues.
Is one partner terrified the entire time that the other will leave if they express a conflicting opinion? Is one partner always threatening to leave, with one foot out the door already, because they are too independent and don’t want to rely on anyone so they don’t put in the work to be in a stable relationship? Is one partner acting out to get the other’s attention and escalating the situation when it’s not necessary? These patterns can define a relationship and be a vicious cycle.
I often use the phrase, “they’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time” in response to adults who are struggling with a kid’s behavior. Kids act out and push back when they’re in a safe space to do so, because that is how they develop their own independence and beliefs about how things should go. Sometimes, a child does not have a safe space to push back until they’re already an adult. And then they get married and finally feel safe to “push back” in order to determine their own thoughts on life. This can really complicate a relationship, and therapy is recommended if you suspect this is what’s happening.
The good news is that when you practice healthy conflict, you can have healthy conflict and these patterns of behavior don’t have to continue or define your relationship. We have some great friends that make a point to be physically touching each other when they recognize there is about to be a difficult conversation about a disagreement. This helps them remember that they are on the same team and trying to figure out the best way to accomplish the same goal. They either hold hands, snuggle, or she will sit on his lap either before the conversation or when they realize they’re not, during an argument.
So the first most helpful thing in addressing conflict is realizing that your spouse is not the enemy and you both are on the same team. The second, is to take some deep breaths and disengage until you have regulated your own nervous system. Third, be willing to be wrong/compromise. If you go into an argument convinced that the other person is absolutely in the wrong and you don’t have anything to learn from their perspective, it’s a losing battle on both sides. Fourth, brainstorm several compromises. Sometimes our brains get stuck in one mode of thinking, especially if we’re in flight or fight, so once calm, try to imagine other acceptable possibilities. Last, decide to let it go. If you and your spouse have argued and argued, and cannot come to a reasonable compromise, decide to let it go. It may be really important, but there’s no point in continuing to stress and fight about something. Let it rest, and it will most likely figure itself out. Pray to a patron saint of that particular issue or seek guidance from a trusted source, but even then, life goes on and most things will fall into place.
Some lovely coworkers of mine were discussing one ladies’ concern with her husband, where they could not see eye to eye on a particular subject, and my coworker questioned, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” She elaborated that if her husband was safe, and was not doing anything illegal, why should she dictate his every move in his own house, and it made sense. She later informed us that she gave up the issue, and about a week later the issue resolved itself. Disclaimer: some issues are not safe and are illegal or immoral, so please seek guidance on how to intervene or not in those specific situations.
If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, here is a link with a quiz to determine how your attachment style shows up in your relationship: https://practicalpie.com/attachment-styles-theory/.
