Decompression & Reconnection
Is the difficulty of your day hindering your relationship with your spouse? Are you often zoned out, gone to play video games, or distracted? Let’s talk about two scenarios people might fall into and what you can do about it to build intimacy with your spouse.
The first scenario is the spouse who works full time. This can be outside or inside the home, but is not a stay at home parent. There are really stressful or difficult days sometimes, where you think about your day for the rest of the evening. How you could have responded differently, what you wish your boss would do, the items left on your to-do list because your coworker called out sick, etc. The list could be endless, but safe to say, your mind is stuck on work. When you “clock out” for the day, mentally you’re still back in the office trying to process everything that caused frustration or stress. Because of this, your family feels the effect. Your spouse notices you’re not engaged, you’re not providing sufficient responses to their bids for attention, and this creates disappointment, rejection, and frustration. Your spouse wants to be present for you and wants you to be present for them to reconnect after being apart all day; when they feel rejected by you, the reconnection is not going to happen and over time, this builds resentment and bitterness.
The second scenario involves the stay at home parent or spouse. The same could be said about a stressful, difficult day. You might be thinking about the kids’ homework, chores, dinner, grocery list, appointments and errands to run, and you’re not present for your spouse when they come home because you’re mentally wrapped up in your day and what else is left to be done. For most stay at home spouses, this is especially true because the “work day” doesn’t end. The responsibilities can’t be left at an office. Again, your spouse wants to be present for you, but they need you to be present for them in order to foster that reconnection and show you care and prioritize them.
In both of these scenarios, the goal is reconnection. The two individuals have had varying experiences, encounters, emotions, throughout the day, and now it’s time to rejoin your family unit and include them in those experiences. Because of this societal expectation, there can be resentments built up if you choose to not reconnect and include your family in your experiences of the day. But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily easy to drop all thoughts and processing at 5 PM simply because you’re supposed to. That’s not a realistic mindset and can set couples up for failure. There are a few tools I’m going to share that can help you process your day and foster reconnection at the end of a difficult work day.
The first one is called a decompression session. Every day, at a set time, preferably at the end of the work day and not several hours later, you and your spouse can convene at a comfortable location to journal. We typically set a timer for about 15 minutes, but it could be longer, and sit in silence while we process and write about our day. At the end of the timer, we can then communicate if we still have things we need to mentally process or talk about things we want to share. Sometimes we share specific journal entries with each other to show the raw emotion that was attached to the experience. Once the agreed upon time is up though, we let our work day go. We recognize that all of the unfinished work and frustrations will be waiting for us tomorrow, and there’s no need to hang on to them for the night. We can then discuss our days and thoughts while being present to each other because we’re not still trying to hold on to it.
There are some days that go really great and we decide we don’t need a decompression session because we don’t have anything to decompress from and honestly that’s a great feeling. It also helps to be in a regular habit of processing difficult events, because we found over time that what was once irritating, was not so bothersome, and we moved through our disappointments and frustrations quicker because we had been regularly emptying the tank that holds onto negative emotions.
If you have children old enough to write, this might become a great family practice. Children experience hurts and difficulties through the school day, and this teaches a healthy coping skill for emotional and mental boundaries.
My favorite exercise to handle a stressful day is called “Screaming at Trees”. This can be a family sport, but if you like expletives, maybe consider it adults only. This practice basically provides an outlet for harmless yelling. It allows your body to physically remove the tension and feel at ease. Basically, find a line of trees while you’re driving home. I would recommend the interstate or a back section of road where nobody can hear you and then scream whatever comes to mind at the trees. They are a clear target for the frustration and anger, but can’t be harmed by the outburst. You can also just scream as loud as you want. I really encourage this, because everyone I have suggested this to that tries it, feels so much better afterwards.
There are a few more fun ones, like buying dishes at goodwill and smashing them in a safe location, or going to a rage room or ax throwing. You can also go to the gym. The key is to find a release for those emotions, and since emotions store in the body, moving the body is a great way to kick them out.
Lastly, spend 5-10 minutes in your car. You can sit in silence, or you can blast your favorite song. You can belt it out or just listen in silence, but giving yourself a pause to be present with yourself, your emotions, your burdens, and mindfully acknowledging that they will be there tomorrow, and can go away for the night might make a world of difference.
I have more ideas for letting the work day go, but don’t want this article to be too long. If none of these work for you, please let me know and I’d love to brainstorm ways to help you decompress and reconnect with your spouse. You might even ask your spouse what they think might work for you, since they probably know you really well. Let me know if you try any of these and how they’re working for you!
