Family Prayers: Spiritual Intimacy
We all know that daily prayer is essential for a healthy spiritual life, but how are we doing on this front? How much and how often should we strive to pray as a family? The short answer is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Some families might have the time and resources to go to daily Mass, weekly adoration, daily Rosary, etc. Other families might not realistically be able to do all that.
When Megan and I started dating, I got us to start praying together nightly. It was a good way to wrap up a date or a phone call. When I was working nights, often Megan would call me and we would say prayers over the phone before she went to bed. We hit a snag in our routine when we got married. All of a sudden there was no clean break to the night, we went to bed in the same bed and would often be preoccupied with physical marital intimacy.
We have both noticed the vast difference in our relationship between times when we are both praying together and individually, and when we are slacking in our prayer lives. We know without a shadow of doubt that prayer is essential to our relationship. But how to give prayer the priority that it deserves is not always that easy.
How much should one pray?
When I was in seminary there were minimum standards for daily prayer: Mass, Rosary, Marian consecration, 30 of meditation, and at least a part of the Divine Office (the full Office for Subdeacons and up). That’s two hours or more of prayer a day. For those of us in the world, there are no such standards, except that we ought to pray daily. Ideally, one should be meeting with a spiritual director (a priest, not a seminarian, deacon, nun, or buddy) on a regular basis to set one’s standards of prayer.
Who sets the standards for the family?
In my humble opinion, it is the husband’s duty, as head-of-house, to set the family’s devotional routine and ensure that it is fulfilled. This extends to which Mass one attends on Sundays. As always, this should be done in communication with one’s wife and under the direction of a spiritual director. What about when we get off track? It’s again the husband’s job to make things right. That might also be a good time to re-evaluate the routine and adjust.
Flexibility
When I was working the night shift, we had plenty of time to talk and pray over the phone. So our prayer routine was rather long. Now that’s not the case. It is better to do a small thing well than to do a great thing poorly or irregularly. Even from one day to the next there are fluctuations that we have to adapt to overcome. It is far better to reduce morning and evening prayers down to a simple Ave than to entirely omit them. That’s why our family has two versions of night prayers: long and short.
Growing into it
It is very easy to plan a great prayer routine, much harder to accomplish it. I personally would be a saint, if virtue depended on my skill at planning a great prayer routine! I have painfully discovered a few points about that over the years: 1. Start small (5 minutes or less), 2. Don’t grow too fast. When I break either rule, I am doomed to breaking my plan within a month…if not a week. The same rules apply when I have gotten off track from my routine.
What should we pray?
Every devotional book has its own recommendations for daily prayers. Every family has their favorite saints and devotions. There is no “official” version of family prayers. Just for an example, here is the list of our family prayers: Sign of the Cross, Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, Apostles Creed, Acts of Faith, Hope, Charity, and Contrition, Guardian Angel Prayer, Saint Michael Prayer, Serenity Prayer, Night Prayer (Now I lay me down…), some pious aspirations, a mini-litany of the saints, and the Sign of the Cross. Our short version cuts out the Apostles Creed, the Acts of Faith, Hope, and Charity, the Serenity Prayer, and the Night Prayer.
How should we pray?
When my father introduced family night prayers, we started off with just a few prayers. Over the years they grew and grew, until no one was paying attention and just flopped on the couches and droned on until they were over. Now I must confess that I was usually right there with everyone else in my level of boredom and inattention. We are body-soul composites, so we can and should pray with our bodies. Now I am not saying that the whole family needs to kneel through all of family prayers, although that is laudable. I am saying that there is usually a happy-medium. For example, family prayers could be said seated at the dinner table. Dining room chairs tend to be a bit less comfortable than couches and recliners, so that might help everyone to not pass out during prayers. At the end of the day though, it is most important to pray, so do it even if you are already laying down.
When should we pray?
I have yet to see a papal declaration that night prayers must be said at night. In fact, according to the traditional rules of the Divine Office, a cleric can say Compline as early as 2 pm. If it is good enough for the Church, it’s good enough for me. So, for example, on date night or anytime that we are expecting a late evening, Megan and I like to anticipate night prayers earlier in the afternoon, lest we forget them in the bustle and fatigue.
Language of Prayer
I love to pray in Latin, in fact, I usually prefer it. And although my wife did study a couple years of Latin, she does not like it nearly as much as I do. So we have a few prayers in Latin, but most are in English. If you know some Latin and are willing to take the time for the whole family to learn to pronounce some prayers correctly in Latin then that is great, otherwise I’d say stick to your native language.
Sex and Prayer
We see in the Scriptures that Tobias and his wife prayed before making love. So while it may be ideal to pray before the marital embrace, let’s not be idealistic. Romance and intimacy tend to be organic. There is often romantic tension that builds up, leading to the bedroom. It’s like throwing cold water over your spouse to cut off that romantic buildup with an announcement that it’s time to pray.
Points for Consideration & Discussion:
What can I do to improve my personal prayer life?
What can I do to improve my family’s prayer life?
What are some of the stumbling blocks that we have or will likely face when trying to plan a family prayer routine? What are our backup options when we hit those snags?
