Porn Sex vs. Marital Intercourse

For anyone who has seen pornography and marital intercourse, this should be pretty obvious: porn sex is nothing like marital intercourse. Unfortunately, pornography is everywhere these days and it is practically impossible to make it to adulthood without seeing some of it. Thus, I feel that it is necessary to bring this up for those who may be confused, especially those young men and women who are hoping to be married one day. Feel free to share this article with them.

The reality is that pornography is a scam. Two or more (hopefully, but not always) willing actors are putting on a performance. The point is to put on a show for the viewer to watch while masturbating. It has little to do with their own pleasure and nothing to do with their intimacy with one another. Marital intercourse is quite different. It has nothing to do with putting on a show for anyone. In marital intercourse, pleasure is even subjected to the openness to life and intimacy. Pleasure is not the standard by which marital intercourse is measured, rather openness to life and intimacy are.

The other problem with pornography is that it creates unrealistic expectations of what great sex looks like. As the old saying goes, “Expectations are preconceived resentments.” Here is what two researchers have to say:

A man's or woman's interpretation of his or her sexual functioning as well as the partner's relies on personal beliefs developed in part from society's messages, formal and informal. Unfortunately, today's popular culture has reinforced stereotypes about sexual activity. Many men and women seem to believe the fantasy model of large penises, rock-hard erections and all-night-long intercourse (Good Sexual Intercourse, 2008).

These researchers found that for most couples the ideal duration for intercourse is seven to thirteen minutes (Good Sexual Intercourse, 2008). I would note that when couples use non-penetrative means to help each other prepare for orgasm then this time frame can be shorter without issue. So, although extended foreplay and multiple positions can be fun, they are by no means necessary for deeply intimate and fulfilling sex. And since no one is watching, many of the positions used in porn are pointless since they are awkward and uncomfortable.

Remember that porn, as a performance, is usually scripted. Marital intercourse is not. I encourage my clients to communicate freely during sex. If something feels good and you want your spouse to keep it up, SAY SO. If something does NOT feel good, then you should most definitely say so!

A final point: no one, including the actors, looks like that. Digital editing software has come a long way in the past few decades. 

References

Good sexual intercourse lasts minutes, not hours, therapists say. (2008, March 31). Penn State University. https://www.psu.edu/news/research/story/good-sexual-intercourse-lasts-minutes-not-hours-therapists-say/