Sexy Body, Sexy Mind

For Couples
Written By Megan Walther, LMSW

There are two types of people in the world. One who experiences desire by seeing a hot bod and getting turned on, and the other who has to have a mental connection to be turned on. I know most people automatically assume that guys are sexy body people and women are sexy mind people but -spoiler alert- research says it’s pretty evenly split between the genders. So what does this mean? Think about a time when you were the most rearing, ready to go. Were you having a great conversation and enthralled that you and your spouse seemed to be so in sync? Was it when your spouse hopped out of the shower and you were enchanted by their beauty? 

It breaks down into a little bit more than just sexy body and sexy mind people, but to keep it simple- people in the sexy body category are typically considered to have a high sex drive, because they think about it more often and are quick to respond to sexual stimuli, i.e. seeing your spouse naked. A sexy mind person would be considered to have a lower sex drive because it takes some de-stressing and clearing of the mind to be fully engaged in the sexual stimuli, i.e. having thoughtful conversations and allowing them space to brain dump so they can lean into the desire.

When you recognize what gets your blood pumping, you can be more intentional about creating that desire within your marriage. If your husband really needs an emotional connection to be in the mood, set aside time in the evening to discuss his day and really focus on giving him attention and connection. If your wife is a sexy body person, make a point to accentuate whatever she identifies as the best part of your body and lean into showing it off. 

And if you both feel desire for each other through the same thing- awesome! A helpful tool if you’re experiencing low desire in your marriage is to schedule “sexy time” on the calendar. This could be time to just cuddle or kiss without fully engaging in sex, but hopefully at most of these times you are engaging in sex. This has been proven effective for couples that struggle with different desire capacities and aren’t having sex as often as they’d like. Basically, instead of waiting to be turned on to have spontaneous sex, you’re reversing it and having sex to increase the time that you’re turned on. This can build anticipation for what’s to come!

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Megan Walther, LMSW

Mrs. Walther is from Nashville, TN but currently resides in St. Louis, MO with her husband. She received her Bachelor’s in Social Work from Trevecca Nazarene University and her Master’s in Social Work from Southern Adventist University with an emphasis in Trauma and Emergency Management. She has worked in various settings such as foster care, veterans treatment court, intensive outpatient adult case management, safe house for victims of human trafficking, homeless population, and intensive family intervention services. She currently works as a provisionally licensed Individual Trauma Therapist in Missouri and is the Director of Student Services and Registrar for a higher learning institution.

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Other Than the Ideal: Obstacles to Marital Intimacy