Sexual Intimacy for the Elderly
Dear Friends in Christ Jesus,
Please forgive the long hiatus in writing, I have been away for military training for the past months. That has given me many ideas for future articles on long distance intimacy and for military couples in particular. I am now trying to catch up on the many questions that you all filled my inbox with. They are good questions and deserve thoughtful responses, so it takes me awhile to respond to each individually. With that said, I have received a particularly large number of questions from elderly couples. Although, I’ve touched on most of these questions in other articles, I understand that it would be convenient to have them all in one place. So, I’ll try to cover all their questions here so that it can be a reference for others. Now this cannot be an exhaustive list, but I will add to it as questions come in.
1. Is it permissible to have sex after menopause?
Yes. A married couple can have sex with each other, regardless of their age, even when it is not humanly possible to conceive.
2. Is it permissible to replace normal sex (penis in vagina - PIV) with other sexual acts?
No. Now, I understand that this a common question for several reasons: (1) you are already past child bearing years and (2) there are many factors that make PIV very difficult for you. Common issues that make PIV difficult for older couples include erectile disfunction (ED), vaginal discomfort, vaginal dryness, reduced flexibility, and painful movement. I’ll go through these below.
Remember that the Cardinal Rule of the marital act is that it be open to life. For this to happen, you need three things:
Male ejaculation occurs in the vaginal cavity,
The semen is not removed from the vaginal cavity,
Nothing is done by natural or artificial means to prevent fertilization.
So, if you can get even just the head of the penis inside the vagina for ejaculation that “counts.” For elderly couples especially, foreplay is your friend. Whether it’s oral or manual, you can use other means to stimulate each other in preparation for PIV. Once the husband gets close to ejaculation then you can move to PIV to complete the act.
3. Is it permissible to use Viagra to treat erectile disfunction (ED)?
Yes, its permissible to use Viagra (or another ED medication) to treat ED. For information about ED treatment, please consult a medical professional. To find a Catholic doctor, you can use MyCatholicDoctor.com or the Catholic Medical Association.
4. What about vaginal discomfort and dryness?
When vaginal discomfort prevents penetration, you may need to use manual or oral stimulation to get the husband close to ejaculation and then go to PIV to complete the act. For milder vaginal discomfort, it may suffice to use a shallow penetration position or for the husband to wear a penetration control ring. As both of these methods may make female orgasm by penetration impossible, you may consider using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation. Here is a popular option.
Vaginal dryness can usually be easily addressed with marital lubricant. For more information on those, please see this article. Lubricants can be purchased from MarriedDance.com. We recommend this lube.
In extreme cases of either vaginal discomfort or dryness, you may need to abstain from intercourse or see a doctor. See the links above to help find a Catholic doctor that can help you.
5. I (or my spouse) has limited mobility and/or lacks flexibility. How can we have sex?
There are several things that can be done. The first that I would recommend is to browse Christian Friendly Sex Positions and see if there is one or more that would work for you. They have a position finder that can help you find a position that will work for you. Another options is to look into sex positioning devices. Thigh straps can be used to hold up the wife’s legs in man-on-top (missionary) positions. Pillows and wedges can allow one spouse to lie in more convenient positions without having to hold themselves up. In particular, the Liberator Wedge/Ramp Combo is popular for this. For the more adventurous, a sex swing can also provide support and allow for positions and angles of penetration that would otherwise not be possible for those with limited mobility.
Conclusion
Sexual intimacy is a beautiful and meaningful aspect of life that transcends age. For the elderly, engaging in sexual intimacy can bring a renewed sense of closeness and connection with their spouse. While physical changes may occur with age, such as decreased libido or physical limitations, emotional intimacy remains a vital source of intimacy for the elderly. It is important to acknowledge and address any concerns or challenges related to sexual intimacy in this stage of life, seeking professional guidance if necessary. With open communication, patience, and understanding, couples can find ways to continue nurturing their bond through sexual intimacy, ensuring that their love and connection remain strong and fulfilling throughout their golden years.
I hope this helps. Please reach out with any questions, comments, or suggestions.
