The Marital Debt & Marital Rape

Responses to Katie and SadTrad

“Does Pope Saint John Paul II have anything to say on the topic of martial debt? He had so much insight into the human sexuality through a Catholic lens and the relationships of men and women and it seems lacking that you don’t have anything that draws on his teaching in regards to this matter. Being mildly formed in his Theology of the Body, it seems to me that “demanding the marital debt” is an excuse to use your spouse, rather than inviting them to enter into a free, and loving union with you, and is not an act of real chastity or charity to your spouse. It also seems to contradict what Pope Saint Paul XI says in Humanae Vitae when he says, “Men rightly observe that a conjugal act imposed on one’s partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife.” (paragraph 13)”

— Katie

Dear Katie,

Although I have not seen any writings of JPII specifically addressing the marital debt, he does talk about duty and obligation in various places in ToB. Nonetheless, it is a very real doctrine of the Faith. Pope Pius XI in Casti Connubii states: "By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle: 'Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband,'[I Cor. 7:3] express not only a law of justice but of charity" (Pius XI, 1930, paragraph 25.)

“By this same love it is necessary that all the other rights and duties of the marriage state be regulated as the words of the Apostle: ‘Let the husband render the debt to the wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband,’[I Cor. 7:3] express not only a law of justice but of charity.”

— Pius XI, 1930, Casti Connubii

Yes, the marital debt can be abused, but the fact that it can be abused does not make it go away the rest of the time. It just means that the abuser is in sin when demanding it at that time.

Everyone likes to look at this as some form of patriarchal relic of female oppression when it is truly part of the marriage contract. Both spouses agree to this debt when they say "I do." Taking back one's consent is fraudulent and sinful.  

Both spouses have obligations to the other and when they fail to fulfill their obligations, it harms the marriage. I and many other Catholic professionals have seen way too many cases of marriages severely harmed by spouses who refuse the debt. And this goes for both men and women. Yes, there are women with higher libidos than their husbands. 

It is very common for couples struggling with infidelity, pornography, and masturbation to have had a pre-existing problem with refusal of the marital debt. Now, I often hear in rebuttal that the denied spouse should just be chaste. Well, one could flip that around and look at the command for husbands to love their wives. If men should just do without when their wives refuse sex, then wives should just do without when husbands refuse love and affection.

Clearly that does not sound like a recipe for success. What does sound like a recipe for success is to give of ourselves to our spouse even when it means sacrificing for them. 

How valued would you feel if every time you asked your husband for love and affection, help with household chores, or even just to go make a living, he replied with "I'm tired" or "I have a headache"? 

If you want a happy marriage (and this goes for men and women), don’t make your spouse ask for their needs to be met in or out of the bedroom. Anticipate their needs and try your best to meet them especially when it requires personal sacrifice. It will pay out. 

One of the strongest couples I have worked with lives this out heroically. Sex is very difficult for the wife, yet she gives herself willingly to her husband a couple of times a week. He recognizes her love and sacrifice and responds with inspiring care and affection for her. They have several children and a beautiful and happy family.  

I hope that helps.

In Christo Rege,

James

References:

Pius XI. (1930, December 31). Encyclical “Casti Connubii” on Christian Marriage. https://www.vatican.va/content/pius-xi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_19301231_casti-connubii.html

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“Lots of people today deny the existence of the marital debt, thinking that they’re protecting women, but this is only putting them in greater danger. I feel like I dodged a bullet because I never got married before learning this. Young women should know before getting married that the Church allows her husband to treat her as a sex toy and have no regard for her as a human being. What kind of monster would even want to have sex with someone against their will??? Of course she is allowed to brutalize him as well, in theory, but physically that’s not possible if he’s not aroused. When the tables are turned however, it’s not only still possible, but more physically painful for her. Furthermore, most women have no interest in forcing themselves upon another person; we simply want to not get raped ourselves. Is that too much to ask? The older I get the more convinced I become that besides Jesus, all men are sociopaths.”

— SadTrad

Dear SadTrad,

Thank you for sharing. I would recommend that you check out the resources page to find a Catholic therapist to help you heal and find happiness.

Because there is so much in your post that needs to be addressed, I’ll break it down piece-by-piece.

1. I agree with you that there are many who deny the marital debt in hoping to save women from this “mean” or “outdated” doctrine, but those who do so are infested with modern feminism. This denial has harmed countless marriages. Couples who have a truly Catholic and sacrificial understanding of this doctrine are far more likely to have happy marriages.

2. The Church does not allow men or women to use their spouse as if they were an inanimate sex toy. That would be a grave violation of their human dignity and the sacredness of the marital bond. That is a grave sin. 

3. Yes, is monstrous to rape someone, which can happen in marriage. It is also monstrous to make a solemn vow and then break one’s solmen vow. Both can be true.

4. Women can and do rape and sexually assault men, even if they don’t want it and are not aroused (Stemple & Meyer, 2017). 

5. Rape doesn’t always physically hurt and some women even orgasm during rape (Morber, 2013). Now, of course, there are all sorts of trauma that come from rape and the majority of women do not experience orgasm during rape. I just make this note to point out that you are making universal statements that are not true to paint men as the bad guys.

6. I agree that most women don’t want to rape. I would just add that neither do most men, since less than a percent of men are sexual abusers (The Top States with the Highest Sex Offence Statistics in 2024, n.d.). 

Well, it sounds like you might be suffering from mysandry, the hatred or prejudice against men. I included the statistics above just to illustrate that you are making broad generalizations that are not universally true to justify your misandry. Now this may have been caused by some form of trauma, but regardless of the cause it is clearly irrational and causing you great distress. Again a good Catholic therapist can help you heal.

May God bless you and help you find happiness.

In Christ Jesus,

James

References:

• Morber, J. (2013, May 31). What science says about arousal during rape. Popular Science. https://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-05/science-arousal-during-rape/

• Sex offense study 2024: Worst states and statistics. (n.d.). The Fitch Law Firm LLC. Retrieved November 12, 2024, from https://www.johnfitch.com/research/sex-offense-study-2024-worst-states-and-statistics/

• Stemple, L., & Meyer, I. H. (2017, October 10). Sexual victimization by women is more common than previously known. Scientific American.https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sexual-victimization-by-women-is-more-common-than-previously-known/